On the surface, it looks like sex ruins things—the dynamic changes, the energy dissipates, and the tension disappears. Sometimes the relationship lasts, but most of the time, it doesn’t. Before sex, it’s all about showing up on time and smelling nice. The sexual tension does the rest, and while it may fade, it can still be kept alive with spontaneity, unpredictability, and creativity. Those things take effort, and effort is what keeps the spark from dying.

Effort. I think this culture used to be about putting in effort and hard-work back when our parents were coming up, but it’s been replaced with expectation. We expect to afford a nice car and house for going to college. We expect to be entertained every day. If both of you are not putting in more effort after sex, things will fade out. Entitlement kills the drive that relationships need. People want the reward without the work, and that is exactly why so many connections never last.

The big issue with our generation is not with getting laid, but with what we believe a relationship should be. He believes beauty queens should fall from the sky if he is earning six figures, and she believes Prince Charming should sweep her into a McMansion. People want the best without putting in work, without sacrificing, without caring. It doesn’t work like that, and both sides need to bring more to the table. The fantasy version of relationships is always easier to imagine than the real one

People expect to get more than they are putting in, but ask anyone in a happy marriage how it’s really done and they will tell you it’s all about the effort. You have to care and you have to try, every single day. Even if you are willing to put in that effort, there is no guarantee you will get back it in return. Modern dating is about disappointment until you finally run into someone who gives a damn and shows it. And even then, you still have to keep showing up yourself.